More Regular Posts?

Not likely -- but less likely occurrences have taken place.

I've just been up late more than one night in a row. Yeah, last night's post wasn't too terribly late, but tonight it's 1:39 in the morning and I'm a little restless. I'd go outside for another cigarette, but I'm afraid it'll only keep me up for another ten minutes more than I need to be. But it might be a great alternative to sitting here for possibly thirty minutes instead of just getting all the energy out...

I'm in a little bit of a fighting mood. I don't feel like punching someone in the face, but I feel like my spirit is shrinking and mentally (from the perspective of being inside my spirit) I feel like lashing out at my membrane. I feel like hitting and pushing my boundaries until I'm back to the size I used to be.

I went through my blog last night and had a lot of time to think of how I used to be. I'm not exactly sure how who I used to be differs with who I am currently, but I feel at least separated in time from the monster I was. I may have had spirit, but my differing perspective was almost harmful.

I feel like I constantly had a woman in mind that I was trying to impress... someone who most likely was vaguely aware of my existence, or just disgusted or completely disinterested. I have a girlfriend that seems to like me, and I seem to like her back. This gives me the ability to see who I was as someone pathetically interested in trying to find interest in return. I never tried to meet or get to know anyone, I didn't like small talk (definitely a trait I haven't lost), I despised being anything but perfectly unique.

In a sense I still remain almost entirely unchanged. My time in the service allowed me to meet a large variety of people that I'd like to think I'll keep in touch with. Thanks to Facebook, this has been easier, but still -- when someone wants to leave their past friendships behind, they will. Whether it's a poke, message on your wall, phone call, or a sticky note from a receptionist that John Smith (who you met back in '02) stopped by your office to catch up and maybe get a bite to eat, it's all perfectly easy to brush off.

I'm not making any accusations. Honestly, I know people have messaged me from time to time with genuine interest in how I've been. I usually respond (in whatever medium they contacted me in) with a few words, exempli gratia:

Brian: "Hey man, what's up?"

Me: "I'm going to community college next week."

Brian: "Oh dude, that's awesome."

And that's usually the end of it. Maybe that's the limit of their built-up interest, maybe they expected interest in return. I can't blame them, after all, isn't that what we all want?

Is this blog really getting to be as boring as it seems? Is my life winding down to me being up late at night, scribbling down practically senseless shit on the Internet? I believe the original intent of this entry was to describe its entrant's latest desire to lash out on his boundaries... and what a failing this appears to be.

With luck, I'll post more regularly. And with luck, these late-night ponderings translate into daily success in me obtaining all the items I need to travel to every one of my destinations... and eventually building up the confidence and contentment I need to feel like I've finally successfully grown into the factory that I need to be.

A factory of what? We'll find out...

Ross Everett LaBrant