What Makes Me Think

I find it difficult to know what gets me thinking. I think I'll think of what does the trick.

So here I am, in the midst of an entirely new blog entry layout (thanks for finally updating, Blogger -- RIP The Old Layout), wondering why I come here. I suppose I know exactly what I do when I'm here. I think in text. I work out my brain's thoughts in the form of some kind of monologue.

I know there are times where I spew out miscellaneous thoughts and/or dreams, and there are times where I talk about what I have been doing or plan on doing in the future. There are even times where in the former I mention blogging or thinking in the middle of a rant. I might have even written entire entries on thinking, but I find thinking of thinking to be fascinating.

So I'm on the Bolt Bus going back to Seattle. I feel like I could travel forever as long as I had WiFi. I know I'd get sick of sitting or not being able to shower or explore... but I know I could go cross-country in an Amtrak. Maybe I should do that and visit Marc. I suppose I should save thinking about that for another entry -- or conversation with family.

I know I tend to think less when I'm wrapped up in conversation with people who don't like to think much or are already set in their ways. It might be a self-centered perspective to consider that my thought process is much clearer than anyone else's. But maybe I'm just the most compatible with myself. I know that if I were to find someone who thought in nearly the same way that I did, I'd probably have to make that person mine forever. Or we'd hate each other.

There, back on track with the topic of thinking.

I'm sure I think nearly the clearest when I'm about to write in this blog. I feel like I'm at or near an apex in mental clarity. The hierarchy of thought depositories in descending order of mental clarity are probably (this), Evernote, my journal, Facebook notes, then IM conversations. I used to have the most clarity when in IM conversations... I suppose I've changed over time.

I think I have the most respect for this place... It's the most public of all the aforementioned places, and I definitely don't write incessantly meaningless things here. The latter might be an effect of respecting it though. Maybe it's one of the very few places to write that I trust will stick with me the longest. I know I've written here just a little bit longer than any of the journals that I've kept, and I'm fairly certain that the blog entries predate (at least the heavy popularity of) Facebook.

Well, I wasn't entirely able to isolate what makes me think, but I definitely know what I do when my thoughts are clear. I write here. I wonder though... if I write here more often, would I sully the peaceful, placid place that this is? That might be the reason I don't come here often... And I wouldn't want to drag all of my horrible, negative traits and ways into the past for fear that I might leave them there.

Now I'm rambling. On that note, I'll drop this off and leave for now. ;)

Catching Up on Life

I planned on writing a blog entry solely on how I think. Most of the following is what I typed instead, so I decided to make this an entirely different entry.

I'm typing on a Microsoft Surface Pro that I bought just over three months ago. I'm on the Bolt Bus from Portland to Seattle. I just finished a trip to see family for four days. The day before I left (on May 11th), I finished my final CS250 assignment (completing my final incomplete for the semester).

I finished all five classes I took this semester and I'm four to six credits shy from being an official junior (third of four years). I need to take at least a waves/optics physics course and a communications course to be fully caught-up.

Now for some back-story...

I moved into a new apartment this semester to be closer to school and help out a friend who was having difficulty paying rent. It's been a lot easier to focus and keep my mind clear when I'm able to walk to school.

I knew this semester was going to be difficult, so I didn't elect to take physics to help ensure that the semester would go better than the last. I didn't take communications in my second semester because I wanted to diverge and take a class that everyone in my degree program wasn't taking. I took a mythology course then instead.

At the beginning of February (nearly half-way through the semester), my sister gave birth to her first child. They named her Violet Joann Bender. There were severe complications and they had to make the difficult decision to remove the baby's feeding tube and let her starve to death. If they had not decided to do this, Violet would have grown up with nearly no mental capacity and likely would not have survived long.

With the help of friends, family and faculty, I decided it would be best if I were to go home and see baby Violet before she passed. I informed my instructors and ensured that I understood that I might not pass a few classes if I left. I was gone for two weeks and enjoyed a thoroughly heart-warming experience to be near a lovely newborn who would not last long here on earth. I cried many times with family and sometimes alone.

I worried the entire time I was gone that I would return to see that faculty had forgotten why I left or wouldn't understand the situation I was going through. I found that most were very understanding (a few had issues communicating with me), but my game project team was not. They wanted to fire me because they were afraid that I would "drag down the team's productivity."

This upset me greatly and instead I left the team to work with one other individual. We worked hard on our little game project and sacrificed nearly all other classes to complete our project with a satisfactory grade. I spent some time studying math and programming my calculator for the final exam, but other than that, I did no other homework.

Near the end of the semester it was easy for me to see that I might need to get an incomplete extension for two classes. I would have gotten an extension on the other three classes if it would have helped significantly. I was able to pass two classes with a lot of help from my game project partner, Kyung-Hun Kim. I owe a passing grade in networking and Game 250 to him.

I passed math solely on my own merit. Dr. Ton Boerkoel would return extremely few of my messages (email and phone). I didn't work on any of the regular homework, but I studied hard in class and reviewed all of the homework that I had missed.

I finished all four of my incomplete assignments in data structures in six working days and all three of my graphics assignments in three additional days.

While I was visiting family, I checked my grades and was very pleased to see that I had passed all of my classes. I got straight C's (some plus, some minus). I look forward to doing much better in the fall, but it bothers me when I think that I might have just as difficult of a time with next year's assignments.

Semester II: Semester Harder

I successfully made it through my first semester here at DigiPen. Life seems solid.

Generally when I start a post, I have some ill-will or at least a plan devised on what subject matter that I'm going to tackle. Today, I have none. So I'm going to attempt to write whatever comes to mind. This. May. Get. Interesting.

Of first note - I have a journal that holds all of my deepest and darkest secrets. I have far more entries in there than on this blog, but far less organized, and far more random everyday bulsht that I'd be embarrassed to admit that I care about.

And usually I don't care. I just think that there's some sort of understandable cosmic pattern that I might be able to find in the Alpha-Bits of my life, and then I can collect several UPCs and mail them in with a $4.95 check for S & H. :)

Of second note - Since my last entry: I've moved back out from my temporary living situation with my family. Out on my own since the beginning of September. I'm thoroughly enjoying it. The first living situation I was in didn't suit me SO well, but now I've moved.

The new apartment is pretty interesting. It has a really good, nice, clean feel to it. I have five roommates in a two bedroom, but we're all pretty close so it hasn't been a problem yet. I fear any turbulence introduced might cause this plane to crashland on hatch island. ;)

Of third note - Mi.

Of fourth note - I had a crazy dream. Can I remember it? Let me see: I do remember feigning or having an anxiety attack after my mother mentioned something about school. She kept coming closer until I had nowhere else to go and then gave me a hug.

I should really write down all of my dreams in a journal of some kind. Document my subconscious swayings? Was that a question. This might be a horrible idea, blogging without aim. Possibly I will no longer continue this entry. Not very long either.

Of fifth note - (summoned from the last paragraph) Interestingly enough, I never plan on writing as much as I do. Somehow, I summon up just enough crazy to sit down and NEED to get something intelligent out there. Am I a writer? Might be. :P

Of sixth note - I believe I fit in more emoticons when freestyling. Freeestyling. A picture of New York.

This one goes out to Fidget. Thanks for keeping me from being old (temporarily, no doubt ;)

-Boss

Edit: I just remembered more of the dream. Probably mentally blocked for the safety of my sanity: There was a bunk bed that my younger sister slept in (not IRL) and I was hanging on to it with my feet on the lower rails. I felt a scratch on the back of my shirt, or possibly just the noise of it behind me. My sister warned me about this ...thing. Not sure if she was familiar with it, but I was once I saw it.

I believe it may have been an infected cat. Something in its mouth caused its teeth to grow slightly larger and sharper; its gums hardened into a bony mass. Eventually (skipping hazy details), when I was carrying this beastly feline, it turned into my older sister's youngest child. All of the pity intensified, especially at the ongoing thought of just putting the beast out of his misery. It was still there, the pain in his eyes. He wanted to be free from this pain.

But I'm not a novelist and my memory is spotty. We'll see: If I'm meant to continue, I'll remember more later or the dream may continue.

More Regular Posts?

Not likely -- but less likely occurrences have taken place.

I've just been up late more than one night in a row. Yeah, last night's post wasn't too terribly late, but tonight it's 1:39 in the morning and I'm a little restless. I'd go outside for another cigarette, but I'm afraid it'll only keep me up for another ten minutes more than I need to be. But it might be a great alternative to sitting here for possibly thirty minutes instead of just getting all the energy out...

I'm in a little bit of a fighting mood. I don't feel like punching someone in the face, but I feel like my spirit is shrinking and mentally (from the perspective of being inside my spirit) I feel like lashing out at my membrane. I feel like hitting and pushing my boundaries until I'm back to the size I used to be.

I went through my blog last night and had a lot of time to think of how I used to be. I'm not exactly sure how who I used to be differs with who I am currently, but I feel at least separated in time from the monster I was. I may have had spirit, but my differing perspective was almost harmful.

I feel like I constantly had a woman in mind that I was trying to impress... someone who most likely was vaguely aware of my existence, or just disgusted or completely disinterested. I have a girlfriend that seems to like me, and I seem to like her back. This gives me the ability to see who I was as someone pathetically interested in trying to find interest in return. I never tried to meet or get to know anyone, I didn't like small talk (definitely a trait I haven't lost), I despised being anything but perfectly unique.

In a sense I still remain almost entirely unchanged. My time in the service allowed me to meet a large variety of people that I'd like to think I'll keep in touch with. Thanks to Facebook, this has been easier, but still -- when someone wants to leave their past friendships behind, they will. Whether it's a poke, message on your wall, phone call, or a sticky note from a receptionist that John Smith (who you met back in '02) stopped by your office to catch up and maybe get a bite to eat, it's all perfectly easy to brush off.

I'm not making any accusations. Honestly, I know people have messaged me from time to time with genuine interest in how I've been. I usually respond (in whatever medium they contacted me in) with a few words, exempli gratia:

Brian: "Hey man, what's up?"

Me: "I'm going to community college next week."

Brian: "Oh dude, that's awesome."

And that's usually the end of it. Maybe that's the limit of their built-up interest, maybe they expected interest in return. I can't blame them, after all, isn't that what we all want?

Is this blog really getting to be as boring as it seems? Is my life winding down to me being up late at night, scribbling down practically senseless shit on the Internet? I believe the original intent of this entry was to describe its entrant's latest desire to lash out on his boundaries... and what a failing this appears to be.

With luck, I'll post more regularly. And with luck, these late-night ponderings translate into daily success in me obtaining all the items I need to travel to every one of my destinations... and eventually building up the confidence and contentment I need to feel like I've finally successfully grown into the factory that I need to be.

A factory of what? We'll find out...

Ross Everett LaBrant

Flight Mode

Coming back from the depths of the world...

I decided recently that I need to label my life in chapters. The most recent chapter I applied actively was "Pokerface" when I was trying to teach my girlfriend Shedea that true content can be maintained from taking the energy of happiness and harnessing it within.

To refrain from actually being too happy, one can prevent a downfall to sadness, misery, or loneliness. Instead of grinning every time you get a warm and fuzzy feeling, you can draw that energy into yourself and reflect on what good there is in your life and how that balances against any negative energy.

You might argue that this instead stabilizes you and any stabilization may lead to a slow downward fall, but only if you aren't firmly planted on solid ground. What if there is no solid ground? Then go to sea, and make sure your vessel is sound, and you have a strong navigator if you wish to see the world.

Let's depart from these analogies for now, and attempt to update this forum with my possibly meaningless ongoings. I've been living at my parent's house for six months and thirteen days. I've invested very little time in writing, and instead invested heavily in entertainment and attempted fulfillment. The first three months I did little other than converse and interact with my family and friends.

I met Shedea at the end of February, in time for us to share a birthday. She left in March and I did little for myself after that, until I started working at GameStop part time and Pacific Screen Printers/Swivler full-time. My sister moved to Montana to establish personal space and steady work (at least I believe that's why). My full-time job did not last very long, and I was left with very few hours per week.

In the vast amounts of free time, other than entertain myself with my recently purchased Xbox, I spent a lot of time considering taking a trip to Vanderhoof, BC (Shedea's hometown). I continued to put this off and planned on taking time off in early June to attend my cousin's wedding in Montana. My visit to Montana left me feeling very empty and a little depressed. I intended to pursue my desire to visit my girlfriend in Canada, but I still have not to this day.

In nine days, I'll start an eight-week course at Clark College in College Trigonometry to fulfill a prerequisite for DigiPen. Life is going to increase tempo until some time in September when I finally settle in and get a feel for life in Redmond. Until then I'm officially in "flight mode."

I'll need to scope out housing, find a means of transportation, work out employment, and a few other minor details before moving. I could live as close as a mile from school, so I could get lucky enough to not need a car, although getting around would be better if I did have one. Just now while writing this, I've realized that a car might not be necessary. What a realistic end to this "flight mode" that would be.

I have to apologize for this blog entry, for this seems far more mechanical and lifeless than my normal entries, but I haven't had too much time to sit and develop the introspection required to put together the normal, deep and profound level that I feel when writing here. I've seen the world now, and have regressed to a former self... only now I feel more worn and tired, with little motivation to excel and amaze.

By the next time I post here, I hope and pray that I've found a constant... a rock to hold on to that allows me to feel free and pure. I need a recurring dream that carries me past this stage... I need another mantra that drives me to be something greater, and not this current mantra that is driving me to obtain all the traits I'll need to appear to be what I once desired.

I need ...passion.

-Ross Everett LaBrant