Braindead in June
Nine and a half months later...
At work. Feeling like I've lost myself somewhere along the way. This is assuming that I had myself at one point. But if I did and now I don't -- at least somewhere between there and here I've gone very much astray. I'm not referring to this tangential path in a religious sense -- more in the spiritual sense. I've left what I felt comfortable with in order to learn more about life. And in returning (at least in part) to what I used to be, I've learned more about who I am as well.
Not all of this knowledge is obvious to me right now, like most of what I know -- it sits on a shelf in my mind until it becomes necessary to use it. The librarian in my mind is old and feeble, mostly due to the work I put him through. He's catalogued and memorized the location of everything in my mind and then forgot most of it in his time up there. But the fact is, he wouldn't still be there doing what he does if he didn't enjoy it (or have a choice in the matter).
I'm glad I have this blog. Quite a few people I've spoken to (well, four or five, haha) have told me that they periodically check in to see if I've written. I honestly don't know if this is true, but if only knowing that they acknowledge that this part of me exists makes me warm and fuzzy inside.
This blog lets me write in depth about my innermost feelings -- not the most emotional, but the ones that have the power to affect me the most emotionally. I don't abuse it by writing too often, and it doesn't get overpopulated by colorful and dishonest entries where I try to appeal to people who probably won't remember me in twenty years.
And I probably won't remember them either.
But that's beside the point. Today I came here because I feel like I'm at some kind of apex in my life. I don't believe my life is going to be downhill from here, just a few specific portions. I've been in America's army for three years, two and a half months. I have less than ten months left in service, with what will be around 70 days of terminal leave. I should be leaving Okinawa in early January.
This dawned on me today. I stared at my face in the mirror and said, "I'm going home." I know this for certain. It was something that I've been afraid to admit since I returned to this island last September. I don't know how long I'll be home or what I'm going to do. I know what I want but I don't know if I want it enough to get it.
In my 24 years on this planet, I've never had very strong desires. I've always been able to recognize what they are and mute them somehow. My strongest desire is to understand this world. I may never fully understand anything, but I know that whenever I start to understand something new, I feel alive.
My brain's going dead. And I'm... starting to ramble. Or ending to ramble. Or feeling like I didn't get across everything I wanted to say. I'll probably never fully recover my intelligence.
Maybe the next time I write - wherever or whenever it might be - I'll be able to put together an actual complete thought.
Until next time,
Ross Everett LaBrant
At work. Feeling like I've lost myself somewhere along the way. This is assuming that I had myself at one point. But if I did and now I don't -- at least somewhere between there and here I've gone very much astray. I'm not referring to this tangential path in a religious sense -- more in the spiritual sense. I've left what I felt comfortable with in order to learn more about life. And in returning (at least in part) to what I used to be, I've learned more about who I am as well.
Not all of this knowledge is obvious to me right now, like most of what I know -- it sits on a shelf in my mind until it becomes necessary to use it. The librarian in my mind is old and feeble, mostly due to the work I put him through. He's catalogued and memorized the location of everything in my mind and then forgot most of it in his time up there. But the fact is, he wouldn't still be there doing what he does if he didn't enjoy it (or have a choice in the matter).
I'm glad I have this blog. Quite a few people I've spoken to (well, four or five, haha) have told me that they periodically check in to see if I've written. I honestly don't know if this is true, but if only knowing that they acknowledge that this part of me exists makes me warm and fuzzy inside.
This blog lets me write in depth about my innermost feelings -- not the most emotional, but the ones that have the power to affect me the most emotionally. I don't abuse it by writing too often, and it doesn't get overpopulated by colorful and dishonest entries where I try to appeal to people who probably won't remember me in twenty years.
And I probably won't remember them either.
But that's beside the point. Today I came here because I feel like I'm at some kind of apex in my life. I don't believe my life is going to be downhill from here, just a few specific portions. I've been in America's army for three years, two and a half months. I have less than ten months left in service, with what will be around 70 days of terminal leave. I should be leaving Okinawa in early January.
This dawned on me today. I stared at my face in the mirror and said, "I'm going home." I know this for certain. It was something that I've been afraid to admit since I returned to this island last September. I don't know how long I'll be home or what I'm going to do. I know what I want but I don't know if I want it enough to get it.
In my 24 years on this planet, I've never had very strong desires. I've always been able to recognize what they are and mute them somehow. My strongest desire is to understand this world. I may never fully understand anything, but I know that whenever I start to understand something new, I feel alive.
My brain's going dead. And I'm... starting to ramble. Or ending to ramble. Or feeling like I didn't get across everything I wanted to say. I'll probably never fully recover my intelligence.
Maybe the next time I write - wherever or whenever it might be - I'll be able to put together an actual complete thought.
Until next time,
Ross Everett LaBrant
posted by Tread at 4:58 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home