Life.

I just finished a 48-hour training exercise that was the most stressful, emotionally challenging experience I've ever gone through in my entire life. During this 48 hours, I was working shift and performing training for a combined period of over 30 hours. I bonded with my unit, established a strong relationship with my squad, wanted to smother some persons, and most of all desired great things for others...

During this exercise I missed my barracks room more than I have since I landed on this island 41 days ago. in the end I just wanted to cry out in shame, wander aimlessly around Okinawa and find an ancient Japanese ritualistic suicide dagger. I eventually calmed down, but I was afraid to return to my room. In fact, I still contain this fear. I'm highly anxious just being here because I know it won't be long before I need to leave again.

On my way into my room I was hyperventilating heavily because the reality of where I am became so harsh I couldn't stand it. up until this point in time it was easy to deny myself how real it was that I'm in the Army. I'm Signal... I'm special. My recruiter told me this, I've only been trained for combat support. I'll never need to kill a man.

But the cold truth is that reality hasn't faded. I belong to a component of the United States government that exists only to protect the constitution of a fallen nation. If I'm needed to protect this gov't against a people that feels oppressed by ridiculous foreign policies (only enough so that they realize their only option is to take up arms to protect their nation's sovereignty), I will be given my M16 and told to project bullets at these people: to kill these people.

And this reality is hard to stomach for me. I'm surrounded by persons who love to get drunk, objectify women, worship money, and live life to the "fullest". Honestly, I have no reason to complain. I just can't take all of it. I've always been a slow kind of guy. I like to pace myself and I hate trying new things without some sort of idea as to what I'm getting into.

It hurts for me to cheapen life. Something I've never been able to do is pop in a movie and watch it entirely as it is without feeling like I need to pry it apart. Every time I spot a plot hole or experience even the weakest of flaws in an actor, I get turned off and scoff at Hollywood's cheap attempts to keep their pockets full while the public remains entertained.

Sorry to be bouncing all around so much, I'm trying to calm down... *breathes deeply* ...it just feels like I've left my old life behind in search of a new life, and all I'm doing is adopting someone else's life. Like a large portion of me is simply blending in with the crowd and disappearing while I'm tugged along for the ride, unable to deny my emotions because I fear the worst for my sanity.

So physically I'm heading in one direction, while my soul feels like its eroding; my mind wants to absorb every intellectually relevant item it comes across, while it denies the existence of my soul, "What is religion but another portion of the flesh, intent on fulfilling its selfish desire of redemption?" Psychologically we all have an odd (possibly socially-induced) problem with our personal desires. Sometimes its hard for one to admit, "I like to watch two girls consume their own feces," without fear of negative repercussions on the part of our peers. The point I'm trying to make is that the self-centered desire of personal purity and cleanliness can seem to be just as sinful as any other desire of the flesh.

Basically I'm just rambling at this point.

You get my drift. I'm becoming torn apart. It was easy when all the tears on my insides were easy to mend. When I was yea big *raises hand to height of desk*, all I needed were some bandaids and Neosporin and I was good to go. Now they look at me funny when I walk around with bandages on my head. *sigh*

I'm done rambling. Talk to you again some other time...

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PFC LaBRANT

Edit: today I had an Americano. Yay.