It has been five months.
...since July - my last entry. It's late-ish, I'm off shift and quite a bit tired. A lot has gone on lately that I haven't really documented anywhere (even if that's important anymore) a few ups and a lot of downs. The ups have been getting a lot higher - it seems like I don't have as many friends as time wears on, yet the friends that I do have and keep are getting to be a much, much better set.
If that last paragraph (or any paragraph) made (/makes) no sense, feel free to disregard it completely. I already decided I'm going to write this post as two separate parts. Part I - While I'm Tired, and Part II - After I've Slept. So this is my short preface to:
Part I - While I'm Tired
I'm really tired. Yeah, I know you were doubting how true the title of this part was. It's very, very, very true. I'm tired of a lot of things. I'm tired of life most of all. It feels like you love it a lot less and what you did love when you were a kid wears out slowly. There is a distinct and defined half-life to childhood joy. Actually - this is odd - that might be why people have kids. When you were a kid, you seem to have known so little, yet understood so much. And as time goes on, you learn more and more, and understand less and less. Eventually you almost completely forget whatever it was that led you to grow up to be the person you've come to be. Yet deep down, that little kid is still inside of you, and he's always going to try and hope that whatever it was that we knew we were looking for gets found. Adventure, perhaps? Maybe a little bit of romance... The mysteries of life don't unfurl on their own...
It's 7:47p (19:47) JST, and I've been writing like crazy - suddenly I hit a little bit of a mental block - and as we all know the best thing to write about when that happens is about the block itself. Dal Garrett, one of our instructors that came to our unit laughed about a wooden block he saw in someone's office that had "mental" written on it. That guy was a character. So far, there really isn't much I can complain about in my military experience that isn't my own fault. It's sad that people want to punish me for just being myself. I understand the Army is all about fitting in and doing exactly what everyone else did, but you really can't achieve that in reality. Everyone will always have strengths and weaknesses, and you need to play off of that. You can't ever force a square peg in the round hole (and vice versa)...
I need to focus on the goal, focus on the prize, get tunnel-vision and as I'm plummetting towards that white light, create a game plan on where to navigate once I'm free. I need to get a great job in the civilian sector, but not one that I'll get stuck with. Just a temporary position that allows me a lot of time to study on my own and finish off my education so that I can get (or make on my own) a job that allows me to be who I am, while doing what I do.
Is any of this making sense? Bah -- doesn't matter anyways. It's all in my head and I need to just get it out there... maybe my lack of sense is stemming from the fact that I'm rapidly getting more and more tired as I type.
Part II - After I've Slept
I had one heck of a time trying to stay awake last night... I know I was up until a little after ten, but I was dozing and DOZING and dozing. A whole lot of doze. I put a set of files downloading and just hit the hay. I ended up waking at about three-ish, which is a little later than I wanted to wake up. It's been about three weeks now that I've been sleeping less than six hours per night, as an experiment of sorts. I'd like to average five if at all possible. But enough about sleep.
I don't know where to take it from there! I'm probably less mentally acute right now than I was last night, although I'm not terribly drowsy right now. Let me take a swig of a Monster -- it's 4:29a right now... I should be almost ready for work, but I'm slacking -- my last day on out of four. Ahhh, from that small amount of caffeine I'm already starting to perk up. Feeling fine and dandy and like I can actually think.
Talking to Emily right now. She is the best thing ever. I know that two or three months ago Melinda was the best thing ever, but Melinda was a serious waste of time, and its people like that that cause me to have mistrust for good people like Emily.
Or at least I think.
:D
* - * - *
Treaddy Bear
:]
If that last paragraph (or any paragraph) made (/makes) no sense, feel free to disregard it completely. I already decided I'm going to write this post as two separate parts. Part I - While I'm Tired, and Part II - After I've Slept. So this is my short preface to:
Part I - While I'm Tired
I'm really tired. Yeah, I know you were doubting how true the title of this part was. It's very, very, very true. I'm tired of a lot of things. I'm tired of life most of all. It feels like you love it a lot less and what you did love when you were a kid wears out slowly. There is a distinct and defined half-life to childhood joy. Actually - this is odd - that might be why people have kids. When you were a kid, you seem to have known so little, yet understood so much. And as time goes on, you learn more and more, and understand less and less. Eventually you almost completely forget whatever it was that led you to grow up to be the person you've come to be. Yet deep down, that little kid is still inside of you, and he's always going to try and hope that whatever it was that we knew we were looking for gets found. Adventure, perhaps? Maybe a little bit of romance... The mysteries of life don't unfurl on their own...
It's 7:47p (19:47) JST, and I've been writing like crazy - suddenly I hit a little bit of a mental block - and as we all know the best thing to write about when that happens is about the block itself. Dal Garrett, one of our instructors that came to our unit laughed about a wooden block he saw in someone's office that had "mental" written on it. That guy was a character. So far, there really isn't much I can complain about in my military experience that isn't my own fault. It's sad that people want to punish me for just being myself. I understand the Army is all about fitting in and doing exactly what everyone else did, but you really can't achieve that in reality. Everyone will always have strengths and weaknesses, and you need to play off of that. You can't ever force a square peg in the round hole (and vice versa)...
I need to focus on the goal, focus on the prize, get tunnel-vision and as I'm plummetting towards that white light, create a game plan on where to navigate once I'm free. I need to get a great job in the civilian sector, but not one that I'll get stuck with. Just a temporary position that allows me a lot of time to study on my own and finish off my education so that I can get (or make on my own) a job that allows me to be who I am, while doing what I do.
Is any of this making sense? Bah -- doesn't matter anyways. It's all in my head and I need to just get it out there... maybe my lack of sense is stemming from the fact that I'm rapidly getting more and more tired as I type.
Part II - After I've Slept
I had one heck of a time trying to stay awake last night... I know I was up until a little after ten, but I was dozing and DOZING and dozing. A whole lot of doze. I put a set of files downloading and just hit the hay. I ended up waking at about three-ish, which is a little later than I wanted to wake up. It's been about three weeks now that I've been sleeping less than six hours per night, as an experiment of sorts. I'd like to average five if at all possible. But enough about sleep.
I don't know where to take it from there! I'm probably less mentally acute right now than I was last night, although I'm not terribly drowsy right now. Let me take a swig of a Monster -- it's 4:29a right now... I should be almost ready for work, but I'm slacking -- my last day on out of four. Ahhh, from that small amount of caffeine I'm already starting to perk up. Feeling fine and dandy and like I can actually think.
Talking to Emily right now. She is the best thing ever. I know that two or three months ago Melinda was the best thing ever, but Melinda was a serious waste of time, and its people like that that cause me to have mistrust for good people like Emily.
Or at least I think.
:D
* - * - *
Treaddy Bear
:]
posted by Tread at 3:38 AM
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