Flight Mode

Coming back from the depths of the world...

I decided recently that I need to label my life in chapters. The most recent chapter I applied actively was "Pokerface" when I was trying to teach my girlfriend Shedea that true content can be maintained from taking the energy of happiness and harnessing it within.

To refrain from actually being too happy, one can prevent a downfall to sadness, misery, or loneliness. Instead of grinning every time you get a warm and fuzzy feeling, you can draw that energy into yourself and reflect on what good there is in your life and how that balances against any negative energy.

You might argue that this instead stabilizes you and any stabilization may lead to a slow downward fall, but only if you aren't firmly planted on solid ground. What if there is no solid ground? Then go to sea, and make sure your vessel is sound, and you have a strong navigator if you wish to see the world.

Let's depart from these analogies for now, and attempt to update this forum with my possibly meaningless ongoings. I've been living at my parent's house for six months and thirteen days. I've invested very little time in writing, and instead invested heavily in entertainment and attempted fulfillment. The first three months I did little other than converse and interact with my family and friends.

I met Shedea at the end of February, in time for us to share a birthday. She left in March and I did little for myself after that, until I started working at GameStop part time and Pacific Screen Printers/Swivler full-time. My sister moved to Montana to establish personal space and steady work (at least I believe that's why). My full-time job did not last very long, and I was left with very few hours per week.

In the vast amounts of free time, other than entertain myself with my recently purchased Xbox, I spent a lot of time considering taking a trip to Vanderhoof, BC (Shedea's hometown). I continued to put this off and planned on taking time off in early June to attend my cousin's wedding in Montana. My visit to Montana left me feeling very empty and a little depressed. I intended to pursue my desire to visit my girlfriend in Canada, but I still have not to this day.

In nine days, I'll start an eight-week course at Clark College in College Trigonometry to fulfill a prerequisite for DigiPen. Life is going to increase tempo until some time in September when I finally settle in and get a feel for life in Redmond. Until then I'm officially in "flight mode."

I'll need to scope out housing, find a means of transportation, work out employment, and a few other minor details before moving. I could live as close as a mile from school, so I could get lucky enough to not need a car, although getting around would be better if I did have one. Just now while writing this, I've realized that a car might not be necessary. What a realistic end to this "flight mode" that would be.

I have to apologize for this blog entry, for this seems far more mechanical and lifeless than my normal entries, but I haven't had too much time to sit and develop the introspection required to put together the normal, deep and profound level that I feel when writing here. I've seen the world now, and have regressed to a former self... only now I feel more worn and tired, with little motivation to excel and amaze.

By the next time I post here, I hope and pray that I've found a constant... a rock to hold on to that allows me to feel free and pure. I need a recurring dream that carries me past this stage... I need another mantra that drives me to be something greater, and not this current mantra that is driving me to obtain all the traits I'll need to appear to be what I once desired.

I need ...passion.

-Ross Everett LaBrant